Childless Cat Ladies Unite
Penelope and I "working" from home during the lockdown of 2020
It’s kind of hard to avoid even for those of us living on the other side of the world, but childless cat ladies have been getting a lot of press lately. I’m not here to talk politics, but rather add another perspective to the discussion.
I am an animal lover and currently have a cat. I have never married and enjoy my single life. I am also a woman who doesn’t have children. So by definition I am a childless cat lady. But what does that mean?
The patriarchy would have us believe that childless cat ladies are to be pitied. We are sad, old, lonely crones who surround ourselves with cats because we ‘can’t get a man’.
Apparently we are evil, or unloveable or whatever other nonsense the patriarchy has come up with. We are witches to be feared and, in years gone by, burnt at the stake! We are supposedly miserable, unfulfilled and contribute nothing to society. Dried up, shrivelled, cantankerous, unstable and past our use by date.
What utter mysogynistic rubbish. In actual fact, we are a threat to the patriarchy. Why else would they work so hard to demonise us and strike fear into the hearts of young women? Because it serves the patriarchy, and keeps these young women compliant. The crazy cat lady trope is a deliberate attempt to drive them into the arms of the nearest man to get married, have lots of babies and spend the rest of their lives taking caring of everyone.
Never mind that study after study show that women who never marry or have children are the happiest members of society. Unmarried, childless women have often formed deep social connections and are discerning with how they spend their time and energy. Now that women have more choices, more of us are choosing not to conform to societal expectations. By comparison, married men report being happier than their single counterparts and live longer as well, mostly because their wives keep on top of their health checks and take on the majority of domestic labour, not to mention carrying the mental and emotional load.
So many married women in mid-life, just as the oestrogen starts to dramatically exit the building, are suddenly faced with the reality that they have been taking on the lion’s share of absolutely everything and they are fed up with it. They are suddenly realising that they have lost themselves in the process of taking care of everyone else.
A lot of women are frustrated that they have inadvertently become a parent to a person who they thought would be a partner and they are over it.
My very existence in the world is a threat to the patriarchy. I live life on my own terms and have proven that I can take care of myself. I don’t need a man to ‘complete me’. Even my attempts to become a mother were without a partner. I won’t apologise or feel shame for any of my choices.
I will staunchly defend every woman’s choice of how they wish to live their lives, whether they choose to marry or decide to have children or not. It is entirely their choice.
But being childless was not my choice. Infertility was not my choice. Round after round of failed IVF cycles was not my choice. Pregnancy losses were not my choice. They were my reality.
It took years of therapy and working through my grief to come to a place of acceptance that I would not have children of my own. Some days I’ll get clobbered with a wave of grief, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning in it. I have friends who were pregnant at the same time as I was so I often feel a little pang of what might have been when I see their little people growing up. It’s bittersweet.
But most days I am content with how my life looks now. I have learned to embrace this next chapter and be excited about the possibilities of what life can look like unencumbered. And it’s pretty darn great. Adopting my cat Penelope was one of the best decisions I ever made. We keep each other company and I love having someone to take care of. She has turned my house into a home.
This week is World Childless Week which aims to raise awareness and provide support to the childless not by choice community. There are some wonderful stories being shared at https://worldchildlessweek.net/ . So many women find themselves childless not by choice, but by circumstance, and it can be really healing when you’re in the middle of it to hear other people’s stories. You are not alone.
“We are here for you through the year, we get louder in September”
If you are childless not by choice and want to talk to someone who gets it, please get in touch. I love helping women find their way out of the darkness and explore the possibilities of what life looks like on the other side.
Oh, and if all else fails - I can highly recommend getting a cat.
© 2024 Jodie Blewitt - meaningfulchangecounselling.com.au