Alone, not lonely: combatting loneliness with meaningful connection
Loneliness. It’s an evocative word isn’t it? Everyone feels lonely at some point in their lives, but for some people loneliness has become more pervasive. One in Three Australians feel lonely at any given time. One in Four experience persistent loneliness.
The World Health Organisation have declared loneliness a ‘global public health concern’ and studies have shown it to be as detrimental to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
According to the 2023 Ending Loneliness Together Report - people who feel lonely are:
4 times more likely to have a chronic disease
4.6 times likely to have depression
4.1 times more likely to have anxiety
5.2 times more likely to have poorer wellbeing
So what exactly IS loneliness?
It sounds like a silly question, but many people confuse being alone with being lonely. In a nutshell, loneliness is the feeling of distress that comes about when our social needs are not being met. Being alone, on the other hand, is a physical state of being where you have fewer interactions with other people. For some people, being alone is a pleasurable and welcome experience, but for others it can lead to feelings of loneliness. Being alone is not the only way to experience loneliness either - you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
We all have different social needs, but everyone needs to form meaningful connections with other people to thrive. What that looks like will differ dramatically from person to person, some people desire close relationships with a small number of people, and others need to connect with a lot of people in order to not feel lonely.
There is no ‘one size fits all’ magic number of people you need in your life to guard against loneliness!
The Covid lockdowns were a bit of a litmus test for many people in determining what their social needs were to be happy and not feel lonely. We had to get creative about how we could connect with one another since all of the usual ways were no longer an option for any of us. Whether we lived alone or with other people, it was a really lonely time for a lot of people.
Funnily enough there are things about the lockdowns that I really miss. I am an introvert and I live alone with my cat, Penelope, who I adopted right as the world shut down. I love spending time on my own. I enjoy my own company and find I need my own space to recharge my batteries. But I do also love spending time with the people I love most. My friends and family are really important to me and I try to see them as often as I can. Prior to the lockdowns I’d been unwell and hadn’t been prioritising spending time with them as much as I’d have liked.
Weirdly, once the lockdowns started, I felt more connected to people during this time. There was this sense of “we’re all in this together” and suddenly everyone was willing to use technology to stay connected. All the friends I’d usually see in person, were happy to get together online. I’d be having Zoom drinks nights with my girlfriends which would devolve into us drunkenly laughing maniacally at the silly filters we would put on our faces. I would FaceTime my family, read stories with my nephew and make time to chat with my friends who live overseas.
When we were allowed to drive more than 5kms from our homes, we would drop off care packages for each other. My sister even prepared and dropped off an Easter feast for my folks and I so we could all share the same meal from our respective houses. We’d all sit together on FaceTime and eat and chat as if we were together in person. We all seemed to understand just how important it was to remain connected even when we were socially distancing from one another.
When things opened back up again and after the initial excitement of being able to see one another in person again, it didn’t take long for everyone to get busy again. The technology that kept us connected during the pandemic is still there - but in my experience, we seem to use it much less. Zoom has gone back to being in the domain of work rather than for socialising. I can go for weeks at a time without seeing my friends and we’ve gone back to having to coordinate our schedules weeks if not months in advance just to be able to catch up.
Having a chronic illness has meant I don’t fill my social calendar up as much as I once would have and I find myself at times missing the connectivity I had during that time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying for a second that I want to go back there - it was a horrid time, I just wish that some of the accommodations that were put in place during the lockdowns were more common place now. I have heard disability advocates lament the fact that many of these accomodations, which had allowed them access to participate in new and exciting ways, were taken away once people were allowed to get together in person once more.
When I have a period of particularly poor health, I can feel frustrated at having to cancel things I want to do. The invitations start to dry up, and I worry about letting people down. It’s very easy to become isolated and if I’m not careful I can start to feel quite lonely.
Why does it not cross my mind to make alternative arrangements to use technology to stay in touch? It worked during lockdowns, so why don’t I think of it now? I need to take ownership of this and be honest with my friends and family about what I need and make connecting with them more of a priority.
There are times in our lives where we are more susceptible to experiencing loneliness. Big life transitions can trigger bouts of loneliness and at these times we may need a little extra support. The loss of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship, being diagnosed with an illness or becoming a carer for a loved one can all lead to us feeling disconnected from other people and lead us to feel lonely.
One of the ways we can guard against loneliness is to focus on connection. Here are my top tips to combat loneliness:
Reconnect with friends and family that you may have lost touch with or that you don’t see as often as you’d like. Arrange to spend some quality time together without distractions. Where possible, try to connect in person - there’s nothing quite like a hug from a good friend!
Join a group with a shared interest. Do you like to sing? Why not join a choir? Love to read? Join a book club. You get the idea. Find a way to connect with others who share your passion for a particular hobby. Your local library is a great place to start to find groups of other like-minded people you can meet up with
Volunteer. Not only will you be helping others, but you’ll meet people who share your values and purpose and make some great new connections. Volunteering can help us feel a sense of purpose and giving back to the community
Get to know your neighbours. A friendly wave and a smile can go a long way to building a new connection. Compliment a neighbour’s garden that you admire, you might just make their day.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone could feel connected and that they belong? This Loneliness Awareness Week (5-9 August 2024), I encourage you to take some time out to reflect on what you need to do to feel connected and less lonely. Take the first step, no matter how small, to reconnect with a loved one or make a new connection today.
For more information and some great resources head to https://lonelinessawarenessweek.com.au
© 2024 Jodie Blewitt - meaningfulchangecounselling.com.au