Mother’s Day - it’s complicated

Mother’s Day is such a complicated day for so many people. For some, it can be a day of grief rather than celebration.

Mother’s Day as we know it was borne out of war-time as a way to celebrate and recognise the huge sacrifices mothers had made during those years.  There were so many mothers who had lost children, or husbands, sometimes both, and many women were denied the prospect of becoming wives and mothers due to the sheer volume of men who perished during the war. In Australia, in 1924, a woman by the name of Janet Heyden successfully campaigned for local schools and businesses to donate gifts and flowers to the lonely, forgotten mothers at Newington State Hospital that she met while there visiting a friend. From then on it became an annual tradition of honouring mothers on the second Sunday of May each year.

A hundred years later and we see Mother’s Day has become a commercial enterprise. It’s a florist’s busiest day of the year. Brands add flowers or pink to their products and market everything for Mum - from candles and slippers to massages and pamper packs to the latest tech. Everywhere we go we are bombarded with advertising of the latest gadget or gizmo that is the perfect thing to “celebrate Mum”. Our inboxes are inundated. We cannot escape it.

This constant deluge of advertising can cause tremendous pain for anyone who has lost their Mum. It can also be isolating and painful for those battling infertility, pregnancy and baby loss and is particularly devastating for those who are grieving in private without support.

I know for myself when I was in the midst of my infertility struggles, I found it excruciating. I recall a Mothers Day brunch with my extended family where the restaurant staff were giving roses to all the Mums. When they went to give one to me, a relative, who at the time did not know I had suffered a miscarriage earlier that year and only days before this had experienced yet another failed IVF cycle, said referring to me - “she’s not a mother”. I was utterly and completely shattered in that moment and quickly excused myself to rush to the bathroom before I began sobbing. I like to think there was no malice intended in the comment, but it still stung.

Conversely, many friends and family who knew about my fertility struggles have been, and continue to be, completely wonderful in acknowledging me on Mother’s Day as well. My beautiful sister started adding Aunty/Godmother’s Day to the celebration, recognising this role that I play in her kids’ lives. It’s a role I cherish -  I love being their Aunty. I get to do all the fun stuff - the games, the play, the creativity as well as providing back-up for the tougher stuff. I’m there to help provide some scaffolding and support, but do not bear the burden of responsibility as parents do. I get to hand them back at the end of the day!

I see how hard it is to be a mother from the sidelines and it only makes me admire them even more.

Mothers, so often, are the ones who bear the brunt of the caring responsibilities. Society expects so much more of mothers and it must be exhausting. Even in families where the house-hold chores are shared, they are often not shared equally. Mothers are too often the ones doing the heavy lifting and many are carrying most, if not all, of the mental load. In households where both parents work, many schools will still call Mum first when the kids are sick. It’s rare that working dads are asked “how do you juggle it all?” or “who is looking after the kids while you are at work?” because there is a societal expectation that Mum will do it. Or as Annabell Crabb explores in her excellent book The Wife Drought - women are expected to work as if they don’t have kids and parent as if they don’t have a job. And don’t get me started on people referring to fathers as babysitting their own kids!

A lot of mothers that I know don’t want “stuff” for Mothers Day, they want a day off! They want a day where they don’t have to carry the mental load for their family and for their partners to step up. They want some recognition of all of the, often invisible, things they do to make other people’s lives easier. They want to feel appreciated and for someone else to prioritise their needs for a change.

Too often, mothers end up having to organise everything on a day that is meant to celebrate and recognise them!

Quite simply, mothers are incredible. I am completely in awe of them for all that they do and all that they are.

So for all the people grieving the loss of their mothers - I see your pain and send you much love. For anyone struggling with infertility and loss - I’ve been you and I send you love and strength. For anyone for whom this day brings up mixed or painful emotions because they have complicated relationships with their mother or with their children - I send you love and honour your boundaries. For all the Aunties - you rock! For all the mothers - you are loved and appreciated and we literally would not be here without you.

And for my Mum, who I am full of gratitude for. She has taken care of me and loved me unconditionally for almost 50 years. So much of who I am today is because of her and I will be forever grateful for every sacrifice she made to make my life better. People often joke that they are “turning into their mother”, but for me, I cannot think of a higher compliment. I hope I am.

Happy Mother’s Day